Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Je Suis Une Gourmande

Let's make something clear: just because I am a dog, doesn't mean I don't have standards. Just because I'm a dog, it doesn't mean that I'll eat that bone dry Puppy Chow and pretend it's the same as that dreamy paté and jambon du pays leftovers they brought the other day from Cafe Boulud. They cannot seriously think that I can't tell the difference. So if you are going to give me boiled ground beef (and I do appreciate that you got the natural Angus, and not the one with the antibiotics and shit), please be so kind as to sprinkle it with a little salt. I'm not saying use curry or fenugreek, I'm not asking for beef bourgignon but a little salt in the gray ground meat can do wonders for one's appetite. What makes them think that I'm going to stomach eating tasteless ground beef with melon?!!! The doctor said fruit? Ask him to eat that shit! Prosciutto with melon, by all means. But please, do not insult my intelligence with these disgusting foods. By the way, they don't give it to me, but the other day in the park someone spilled something divine called ice cream and I licked that asphalt until it was shiny. Also a baby spilled some apple juice, the slob, and it's not bad!  They are never going to give me stuff like that, I can tell. But I'll get it where I can find it.

Monday, June 27, 2011

"I Vant To Be Alone"

Why do humans assume that I want to be petted and stroked and caressed and played with at all times of the day and night? If you see me taking a nap after strenuous playing with toys and other people's toes, please refrain from slobbering all over me. I'm taking A NAP. I do not wish to be disturbed. Me, I'm like Greta Garbo. Need my beauty sleep. Being a well-mannered lady, I demurely move to another corner when this happens, but keep pestering me with your uncontrollable love and I don't promise you won't get a good bite one of these days.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Humans Are Obsessed With Poo

Okay. Someone please explain to me the big deal with the peeing and the pooing. 'Cause it just don't make any sense to me. Every twenty minutes they scoop me up and take me down as if the house was on fire and then they put me on the street as if they are waiting for the Second Coming of Christ. I pee, and they almost throw a parade in my honor. Such celebration! But I do the same at home (which as far as I can tell is much less inconvenient for everyone) and they get all bent out of shape about it! They pretend to be really angry and get all serious and yell NO, PETRA! (but I can tell it breaks their hearts to read me the riot act. I just look at them with my big round eyes and I cock my head to the side and they virtually dissolve).
So make up your minds! When I do it at home I'm saving you the trouble of taking me out. And what's three little drops of pee to you anyway? You got the Windex thing going on and it seems to be working. Stop the drama.
The poop, I understand, is another matter. That's kinda gross even to me. But the other night they had the audacity to go to the movies and they left me all alone in this huge apartment, so I'm like, you cannot expect me to hold it in (or perhaps you can, but I'm not gonna). You cannot leave me here all by myself and go to the movies. You don't do that to a two month old baby. So I did it on the carpet. Maybe they'll think twice about not taking me to the movies ever again.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Because I'm Worth It

The very official looking customs agent at the big airport was so thrilled with me, he took his glove off to pet me. I have that effect on people. They all go "OMG! SOOOO CUUUUUTE!" every time they see me. My owners say they can't walk two steps without someone stopping by and asking about my age, gender, breed. "Is it a puppy?", they ask. No, it's a dinosaur, what do you think?
Enchilada confessed that she was happier when she didn't have all the neighbors cooing and making small talk at all times. Imagine, she hasn't even brushed her teeth or combed her hair (as if) and she needs to get into some inane dog chitchat first thing in the morning; when B.P (Before Petra), she could be a verbissener New Yorker who barely said "good morning" in the elevator. She claims she liked her anonymity then. She thinks that this is how supermodels or movie stars must feel at all times and claims she was invisible until I came along. Hey, it's not my fault that I'm a charmer. If you don't like this, you should have gotten a tarantula.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Welcome to New York City! Arf!

Apparently I am in a place called New York City now. It's freaking noisy, I can tell you that. What's with the sirens? And the human hollering? Is this a zoo? Anyway, what I like about it is there are a lot of other people like me, with four legs and wet noses. I want to meet everybody! I like em all. Dogs, kids, adults, feet, leaves that blow in the wind. I like anything that moves. I kinda like this New York City. I have a nice yard downstairs, and boy, are the sidewalks a smorgasbord of chewing goodness! Cigarette butts, weeds, chicken bones, all kinds of poop (including human, I'm afraid). The asphalt jungle, indeedy!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Dear Diary:

They put me inside the belly of a plane in a cage for three hours. Did they tell me where the hell we were going? No. Did they ask me if I wanted to go anywhere, let alone emigrate? I know they mean well, but you don't put a two month old baby in a cage. They got me out in Miami, and from there I traveled coach. Not bad, but if you ask me, it's not that different from cargo. There is actually more leg room in cargo.